lessons learned.

“Sometimes you’ll be surprised at how well people respond to honesty and perhaps it’s a good thing for them to realize that things aren’t very easy here, maybe it’ll be a way to share your world here with people at home.”

That’s what Dr. Andy told me today as I spoke with him outside the clinic. Dr. Andy is from England; he was here about 8 weeks ago and just came back today to visit the clinic. He asked me how I was doing and I told him everything, very honestly.

Some of you have been brought into the events of the last week (and month) and for that I am thankful and a bit sorry all at the same time. Especially for those of you who have had to listen to me more than others. (Again, very thankful for you and very sorry for all the time you’ve spent listening to me.)

I had a breaking point last Wednesday and decided to book an early flight home. I had prayed about it and thought about it, and even felt confirmed in the decision when one of the ladies I work with said she felt like God had told her the weekend before at her church conference that I was leaving early. It all seemed like a very good idea at the time. I had had a lot of physical issues that had come up in the past month that were simply stress related. Some were just chronic symptoms and then others were 24 hour in bed sicknesses. I was frustrated when the doctor told me that stress was the root issue because I couldn’t seem to do much to fix the situation. There were some stomach issues he gave me some pills for and told me that this was one of the major causes of my exhaustion/tiredness. Very quickly, the physical exhaustion turned into an attack on the rest of me—my thoughts and emotions. I felt like I was coming apart at the seams. I made a list of reasons for staying versus going home in the next two weeks and going home seemed to win. I thought it was all very logical reasoning, but I had also only had about 3 hours of sleep the night before. I had cried a lot up to that point, and continued to cry.

As soon as the day after this decision was made and the ticket was booked, I started feeling better. I was still a bit tired but overall, the rest of the symptoms were gone. I felt like I was thinking clearly for the first time in three weeks. Thinking that I only had a week left made me do things differently. I sought out the ladies I work with in their homes and in their places of work. I had some wonderful conversations with them and wondered why I hadn’t made regular visits to their home a priority before this. We talked about poverty, injustice, hardships, and about accepting the ways of God in all that comes our way. They encouraged me to go home and to try and sell their necklaces and if nothing else, to not forget about them.

After making this decision to go home early I also ran across one of my favorite kids from the center, Odong Albert. His whole cheek and lip were infected and badly swollen and he was crying from the pain. He didn’t have any money for the clinic. I took him and his father to the clinic that day for it to get cleaned out. I happened to see him the next day while I was on a boda and picked him up and gave him a ride in to the clinic again. I started thinking about how if I left according to plan, I may not have a chance to say good-bye to many of the kids.

Over the next few days I began to see that I had done this to myself in many ways. I believe very much in the connection between physical sickness and emotional well being. I finally saw that with all of the tough stuff that had happened since coming to Gulu, I had largely tried to shoulder it myself. I hadn’t taken a real break from the place since moving here and I had hit a wall that seemed impossible to climb or to push through.

And that was it, I had to stop climbing and pushing. I finally wept to God instead of crying to myself about all the bad stuff.

Perhaps this is too honest for a very public blog, but this is the real story.

I have realized very much in the last few days that I am not yet finished here in Gulu. I know I’ll be ready to go later on but I still need some more time to learn how Jesus loves. I’m not yet finished with the work here although I’m ready to step it down a bit. As much as I’d love to go home and hold my new baby nephew and to see my friends who still love me well from a different continent and to watch my wonderful baby sister graduate high school after working so hard from the 9 year old who didn’t speak any English, this is still it—I’m not finished here yet.

I’m sorry for those of you who thought you might see me in a week. So much of me wished to be there. But I am feeling good here, I’m still loving Gulu, and I feel so much healthier than when I booked that ticket. I know I’m not finished here yet and also that the time is coming soon enough for me to be home. If I left now, I think I would have many regrets.

If you could pray for me in the coming weeks, I would appreciate it very much. Grace is a lovely gift of which I have received much of in the last week but I stand in need of more. My eyes have been reopened to the beauty in this place amidst the hard stuff. My little neighbor boy was playing with a baby goat while trying to wave to me as I passed him on a boda today. He smiled his biggest smile and waved as quickly as he could with his free hand. I visited two of the ladies I work with in the market today where they sell their fried ants and sorghum. (One pictured above.) Their kids peeked out from behind their mothers’ knees to greet me. They’re absolutely beautiful. I want to keep appreciating beauty in the next six weeks.

Pray that the love of God would go deep in me, that the spirit of God would flow freely through me, and that the friendship of God would sustain me.

Thank you for loving me so well from so far away.