Depth.

"I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life . . ." Henry David Thoreau

"I'll take my cold, cold heart
I'll take my unrenewed mind
I'll take Your word in my hand
And I'll give You time, to come and melt me . . .
Just let my heart be alive
Let me be living deep, deep on the inside" Misty Edwards What Only You Do

Who would say they're against living deeply?
I think it sounds like a pretty good idea.
However, I'm finding that it doesn't really come naturally. It's much easier to be shallow and not think too hard about things.

Alicia and I have been becoming better and better friends with Henri Nouwen through this book we're reading together. Today he told us twice (so that we wouldn't forget) that this brief life we live here is just a very small portion of the timeline of eternity. And the point of this brief time we have here? To say to God: "I love you too." To say this with our whole lives.

Here's my true confession for the day:
I'm afraid of missing the point. I'm afraid of living a shallow life and one day stepping back and being horrified at how similar it is to everyone else in the whole world--worrying about money, working only for the weekend, grasping for a sense of security that is no security at all. I feel like this mentality really does set in with age. Yikes. Never thought it would.

Henri says, (and I think Jesus would probably also agree), that the answer to living a deep life is understanding that we are the beloved. Here's what he says,

"Maybe I can just remind you of that story of the multiplication of bread. You remember there was a little boy and everybody said that he was not worth anything. But, he had five loaves and five fishes. This little boy was received by Jesus and He took these five loaves and five fishes. He broke the bread after having blessed it, and He gave it, and in giving it multiplied and it was enough for everyone to eat.

That story says something about our lives. We are little people, but if we believe that we are chosen, that we are blessed, that we are broken, to be given, then we can trust that our life will bear fruit. It will multiply. Not only in this life, but beyond it." -Henri Nouwen

As Promised.

Just a few excerpts from my job description.

Partnership(s): Uganda Christian Business Partners, Childcare Development Organization/Karin center
Location: Gulu
Duration: 9 Months
Reporting to: Francis Ssennyonjo (Partnership Manager), Hope Okeny (UCBP /Karin Center ED/Project Coordinator)

Position Description:

The primary focus will be to coordinate activities in the Karin Children Medical Centre through documentation, monitoring and facilitating the implementation through community participation. Responsibilities will also include collaborating with the Partnership Facilitator to find additional North-American partners as needed, initiate and develop new partnerships and equip their in-country/regional members.

Duties and Responsibilities:

Assist Project Coordinator, Hope Okeny to, among others;

Monitor and ensure progress of project interventions against plans and set time limits within the areas of his/her jurisdiction.

Participate in Child Protection committee meetings to assist in making quarterly and annual work plans and cash flow statements and monitor to ensure goal achievement.

Organize recreational activities for the children.

Visit children/families with unique experiences/problems and work with them to find lasting solutions to their needs.

Liaise with sister organizations in promoting development programs within the area.

Ensure that all children in programs (CIPs) are protected, healthy, receive education and receive some form of spiritual nurture through collaboration with all the relevant agencies.

Ensure that timely and regular reports are written as guided by supervisor.

Share promising practices and lessons learned with Home Office.

Coordinate the visits of North American Affiliates (NAA) to their respective partners in the region and provide cultural awareness training as appropriate.

(And lots of other things. It's Uganda--there are usually surprises.)

Here's to Henri . . .

"When God enters into the center of our lives to unmask our illusion of possessing final solutions and to disarm us with always deeper questions, we will not necessarily have an easier or simpler life, but certainly a life that is honest, courageous, and marked with the ongoing search for truth. Sometimes, in living the questions, answers are found. More often, as our questions and issues are tested and mature in solitude, the questions simply dissolve." -Henri Nouwen

And one more from my friend Henri,

"I want to beg you as much as I can . . . to be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves . . . do not now seek answers which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer . . . . Take whatever comes with great trust, and if only it comes out of your will, out of some need of your innermost being, take it upon yourself and hate nothing."
-Henri Nouwen

I am confident these quotes will resonate with some of you whom I know quite well. I'm not sure if I would've understood this a year ago but right now these words cut right through me and expose everything on the inside. This means vulnerability, which I'm a little bit tired of to be quite honest. I've fallen apart a few too many times in the recent weeks in front of people. And in general, these are the people I want to think I'm pretty put together.

And to the point of this blog . . .
I'm going back to Uganda. (Lord willing, if all falls in place like I believe it will.)
For some reason, this decision has not come as easily as it has in the past. The longer decision process has led to doubt and wondering if it's the right thing. I have a niece and nephew that I'm pretty attached to and don't really want to miss out on any part of their life. I have some pretty wonderful friends that are always hard to say goodbye to. I have a couple of people who have been walking with me most recently who have significantly encouraged me in my walk with God and in seeking Him with my whole life. I have a family that I appreciate more every day. These are the people I don't want to say good-bye to.

I have been asking questions. I'm wondering if I'll ever stay somewhere. I feel like I've been constantly moving since I graduated high school. I wonder if I'll ever feel a permanence that allows me to sink my roots down deep. I wonder how life at home will change when I'm gone this time. Quite a bit changed during the last four months I spent in Uganda. I wonder what position I'll be in when I return--both financially and in terms of community. Then I wonder when I started making decisions based on finances.

But when I started making a list by which to think about and pray over regarding this decision, I never even got to the list of "cons". When I started writing down reasons why this might be the open door that God has for me, I kept going. I hope to write another post soon to describe what I'll be doing and maybe you'll see why.

So here's to you, for those of you who have stood by me in similar choices I've faced through the years and have cheered me on. And here's to you, you who might be new to my wordy posts that sometimes lack direction. And here's to Henri Nouwen, telling me to be patient towards all that is unsolved in my heart and to live and love the questions themselves.