Here's to Henri . . .

"When God enters into the center of our lives to unmask our illusion of possessing final solutions and to disarm us with always deeper questions, we will not necessarily have an easier or simpler life, but certainly a life that is honest, courageous, and marked with the ongoing search for truth. Sometimes, in living the questions, answers are found. More often, as our questions and issues are tested and mature in solitude, the questions simply dissolve." -Henri Nouwen

And one more from my friend Henri,

"I want to beg you as much as I can . . . to be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves . . . do not now seek answers which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer . . . . Take whatever comes with great trust, and if only it comes out of your will, out of some need of your innermost being, take it upon yourself and hate nothing."
-Henri Nouwen

I am confident these quotes will resonate with some of you whom I know quite well. I'm not sure if I would've understood this a year ago but right now these words cut right through me and expose everything on the inside. This means vulnerability, which I'm a little bit tired of to be quite honest. I've fallen apart a few too many times in the recent weeks in front of people. And in general, these are the people I want to think I'm pretty put together.

And to the point of this blog . . .
I'm going back to Uganda. (Lord willing, if all falls in place like I believe it will.)
For some reason, this decision has not come as easily as it has in the past. The longer decision process has led to doubt and wondering if it's the right thing. I have a niece and nephew that I'm pretty attached to and don't really want to miss out on any part of their life. I have some pretty wonderful friends that are always hard to say goodbye to. I have a couple of people who have been walking with me most recently who have significantly encouraged me in my walk with God and in seeking Him with my whole life. I have a family that I appreciate more every day. These are the people I don't want to say good-bye to.

I have been asking questions. I'm wondering if I'll ever stay somewhere. I feel like I've been constantly moving since I graduated high school. I wonder if I'll ever feel a permanence that allows me to sink my roots down deep. I wonder how life at home will change when I'm gone this time. Quite a bit changed during the last four months I spent in Uganda. I wonder what position I'll be in when I return--both financially and in terms of community. Then I wonder when I started making decisions based on finances.

But when I started making a list by which to think about and pray over regarding this decision, I never even got to the list of "cons". When I started writing down reasons why this might be the open door that God has for me, I kept going. I hope to write another post soon to describe what I'll be doing and maybe you'll see why.

So here's to you, for those of you who have stood by me in similar choices I've faced through the years and have cheered me on. And here's to you, you who might be new to my wordy posts that sometimes lack direction. And here's to Henri Nouwen, telling me to be patient towards all that is unsolved in my heart and to live and love the questions themselves.