Decisions, Decisions.

This week marked 3 years.
3 years ago, I lost someone very dear to me to cancer.

I went to the cemetary to visit his grave. My time there was too short because I was on my way elsewhere. I feel like I should've taken more time.

Yesterday morning, I pulled out a piece of paper from a Richard Foster book I was reading. Strangely, it was the handwriting from this friend of mine I just mentioned. Speaking was too painful in those last months because of a surgery he went through. Instead, he would write his questions down and I would answer them. This was a remnant of one of our conversations. He was asking me when I was leaving for Uganda and when I would return. I said I'd be coming back August 18. He wrote, "Will I still be around August 18?" I wasn't sure how to respond as I sat next to him. I was fasting and praying and hoping with all of myself that he would most definitely be around.

I was supposed to leave for my second trip to Uganda on July 9, 2005. The upcoming trip was weighing heavily on me and Matt could see it. I'm not sure how I would describe our relationship at that point. I think we had settled that we might not be meant for each other in the long run. We had much in common yet we seemed to be going in different directions. But this, which had once been a blind date, had turned into a friendship that ran deep. I couldn't handle the thought of leaving on a plane, not knowing what the next couple of weeks held for him. His family had also become a family to me and I didn't want to leave them either.

"You need to go", Matt said, "This is what you were made for."

It was a decision too painful for me to make, so in all of God's grace, the decision was made for me. I woke up with a horrible back/neck ache that significantly hindered my movement the day before I was supposed to get on the plane. The chiropractor told me I should not be traveling alone in my condition. I canceled the reservation of my flight.

My friend passed away 4 days later as I sat by him and held his hand.
I can't imagine what those weeks would've been like had I been in Uganda.

After spending some time with his family up north, I decided to board that flight to Uganda and still spent 3 weeks in Uganda that summer.

Sorry for the on-line therapy session.

Sometimes I'm not as convinced as others around me of what I was made for. There are days where I think I have a pretty good idea but many other days where I don't believe the Matt's who say, "This is what you were made for." I lament over the people like him who have big dreams and lose their life at such a young age. Grief can easily turn into despair if you're not careful.

Going back to Uganda is a very small step. But I'm finding that as the years move on, every life decision is more clouded with the worries and anxieties of what I call "grown-up life". Suddenly I'm like the rest of the American populace who spend time worrying about comfort, income, school debt, the economy, and retirement. Following and believing seem to require more effort and intentionality than it used to.

I told my friend Sharon the other day that if I'm making big decisions, I like to make them while walking through a cemetary. It reminds me of how short this life is and forces me to ask deeper questions about what's really important. Making decisions in a cemetary might sound strange to you, but Sharon told me she thinks its wise. I'm glad Sharon's in my life for the days I feel like a crazy person. :)

I always feel like I have to wrap these entries up with a "moral of the story" one-liner. I don't know what it is except thanks to all of you who have walked through each season with me. You've been there cheering me on in the days I have a pretty good idea of where I'm going and you've been just as present on the days I am unconvinced of everything except that God has not abandoned me.

Thanks.