Joy and Grief.

Last night I listened to my friends' band practice. I love Kelly's voice. I told her I wish I could take her with me and listen to her all the time. I asked her how she felt about moving to Uganda. Maybe a CD will do if they ever decide to record. (I'd even pay big bucks for it, that's how good they are.)

I love listening to Kelly sing because she has a beautiful voice that is calming and inspiring and lots of other things all at the same time. But I also love listening to her because of the spirit behind the voice. The girl is joyful. Probably more joyful than most people you've ever met. You should meet her and then believe me.

She was singing this beautiful song that had a lot of Alleluias in it, over and over again. And then at one point the music cuts, and her voice breaks in with a loud "Because he lives . . ." in a melody that I wish I could describe in words.

In between their measures when they break and try something different, Kelly's laughter keeps spilling out. It's explosive laughter, enough to make you laugh even if you don't know why you're laughing.

The strange part is that while listening to this song I had moved closer to the light and started reading one of my new library books, Children at War by P.W. Singer. While listening to this worship to a Savior who lives, I was pulled out of my own daily existence and briefly into the stories of others. These were some of the quotes:

"The rebels told me to join them, but I said no. Then they killed my smaller brother. I changed my mind." --L., age seven

"Seven weeks after I arrived there was combat. I was very scared. It was an attack on the paramilitaries. We killed about seven of them. They killed one of us. We had to drink their blood to conquer our fear. Only the scared ones had to do it. I was the most scared of all, because I was the newest and the youngest." --A., age twelve

"We were frightened because we were young children and we didn't know anything about the army. Even on the shooting range, when they tell you to fire, you're always very scared. For me to overcome that fear, I had to kill someone at the training camp. They brought someone to me one night when I was on duty guarding an entrance. It was a child, whose face they'd covered, and they told me he was a rebel, an enemy, and I had to kill him. That's exactly what I did. On the spot. With my knife. That night, after doing that, I couldn't sleep." --G., age 10

My reality is so incredibly distant from these stories. The worst things that have happened to me in the last week is that my phone was stolen and my car sort of broke down. That's the worst. My life is actually quite full right now with people I love and wonderful experiences. And I have much to rejoice over. It's easy for me to sing these songs and believe in a God who has given me much.

I had a very hard time reconciling the joy that came from these songs with the horrific stories that I was reading. I know there is hope and I know that God is Savior, Redeemer, Rescuer, and the list continues. I know that many of these kids who have experienced these traumatic things are unbelievably resilient and do experience healing. Maybe it's just that when I read these things while hearing these songs, two worlds collide and I know that the existence that I am familiar with is not normal. I am in the richest tier of citizens on our earth. I don't know what war really is, I've never had it in my back yard.
And with the differing experiences, I begin to wonder how our understanding of the gospel differs. For those who look to God to bring an end to the war that has ravaged their nation for over 20 years, what does their faith look like when people continue to suffer and die? I may have experienced some hard things and disappointments along the way but over all, I've had an easy life and I can attest that God provides and protects and answers prayer.

Here I am again. I could delete this whole post because I have no clean way of wrapping it up or giving that Christian punch line at the end.

In case you're wondering--I don't normally pick the most depressing book on the shelf to read. I have a stack of books that are related to the area in which I'll be working. Northern Uganda is pretty notorious (as well as Liberia, Sudan, Sierra Leone and many others) in Africa for the prevalence of child soldiers.

You're welcome to wrap this post up if you'd like. I'm giving up for now.